the space between.

yesterday was
may 31st 2012.
i woke up
calm yet
anxious.
i knew the hours
were
slipping by
quickly.
i knew the time
i had left
with you
could now be measured
in hours
and before long
minutes
and then
when stopwatch hit
:60
i began to panic.
when our time was up
nothing happened.
now i wait
worrying
nervous
wishing there was
something
i could do.
knowing
there wasn't.
14 years ago
i was oblivious to this
gut wrenching countdown
that would take over
every
may 31st
into
june 1st
for the rest of my life.
i went to sleep last night
clutching
the moments.
the memories.
the innocence.
even though
they vanished years ago
i still feel
on may 31st
that i can save them.

as i shut your bedroom door
behind me
the clock began ticking.
my first steps down your hall
away from you
time was vanishing.
i walked out of your house
you were so close,
still
yet so far gone.
15 hours
37 minutes
12 seconds
11, 10, 9, 8...

14 years ago i fell asleep feeling
content
loved
happy

every year since,
i fall asleep feeling
nervous.
i want to stop the fucking clock.
life happens in slow motion
yet so fast.

14 years ago i didn't know that
my time with you was up.
not yet.
i'm in love with this timer
it means that even though
our time is up
you're still here.
that brings me strange comfort
in the midst of the
storm that is brewing
in the pit of my stomach.

june 1st, 1998
was a monday.
the clock, relentless,
it's at
3:25:13
3 hours.
my time with you has been up for 11 hours
but you're still here
for 3 more hours,
you're still here.
i feel my heart
beginning to race
that space in between
it's getting heavy.
i didn't know then
but i've carried it around
since.
seconds are slipping away
everyone who loves you
has a clock
they're all in this space too

you. you are in your
own space.
we're all there
we're with you
though we were in our own spaces
we were always
right there
with you
in yours.

2 hours now.
i'm searching the school halls for you.
1 hour...
i'm in the nurses office wanting to go home
30 minutes to go...
i'm back in class.

today i feel sick as these minutes slip away.
though you've been gone for all these years
i still feel like in these moments
i can change time.
i feel closer to you than any other moment
yet further away from you than ever before.

10, 9, 8.... 3, 2, 1.
the clock stops.
..........................................

in the second that follows
a new clock starts.
i exhale.
and i begin my life
without you
for another year.
its now counting the
seconds
minutes
hours
days
weeks
months
years
without you
no longer with you and
away from you
but
without you
AND
away from you

but somehow
you're still here
alive in
everyone
who had a clock looming over them
that day.
and time marches on.
there is always a clock
bringing us closer
and pulling
us further away.

one thing i know for certain is this;

today hurts like hell.

a few tales of the struggle.

it's been awhile
hey?
it's may of a brand 
new
year.
this year has already put me
through the
fucking wringer...ringer?
(note to self: look up "wringer" for a potential bananagram word)

i entered this year
alone.
but, okay.
in the midst of a 6 month
dating sabbatical.
you see, 
last summer i joined
match.com
....yes, laugh.
okay, stop.
i went on several dates
with lots of
great guys
who
inevitably turned out to be
just that.
great guys...
for someone else.
each time, 
for whatever reason, 
it didn't
amount more than
a walk downtown portland, 
a day at fort williams
or a trip to the fair...
it wasn't 
personal
it wasn't 
heartbreaking.
it just was.
however
after awhile
it took it's toll on me.
i took it 
personal
in the sense that
maybe there was something
wrong
with me?
so, after little
thought
i decided to embark on
an odyssey.
i decided to do some
soul searching
some heart mending
focus on what i
want
and what i
need
and what i have to
offer.
so, 6 months...
here we go abbie.

enter beginning of january
beginning of 2010
middle of said sabbatical
enter him.
a match date from the summer.
back in touch.
movie dates
dinner dates
texts galore.
i was 
smitten 
and before i knew it
the sabbatical was broken.
but, 
i assured myself that
he
was good. 
this relationship would
prove to be healthy
worth it.
and it was. 
worth it.
worth a broken sabbatical.
we spent our time
well.
i never stopped smiling. 
and now, 
a week or so after the said sabbatical
was scheduled to end, 
the relationship has ended.
for reasons that are enough
but they still fucking burn
a hole in my heart.
the healing process
is brand new...
the band aid is still on
and even though it is fucking pulling
at my hair and itchy
i'm trying really hard
not to pull it off
too early.
attempts at feeling
every degree of shitty shit
are being made
and slowly
i know the highs will
creep back in
and every attempt will be made
to feel them too.
and soon, 
i know, 
everything will be
just fine.
i remain thankful
for my time with this man.
for the laughter
for the smiles
for the movie nights
for the game days
for the personal moments
and yes, 
i am thankful 
for the tears.
these emotions remind me
that i am human.

annnnnnnnnnnnnd sighhhhh...

what else reminded me 
that
i
am human
this year?

the fact that i 
vomited for the 
first time
since
1993?
what a crazy reminder
huh?
an extreme phobia
of the upchucking process
was erased by a hot tub and
a mother fucking bottle 
of pinot.
for some 
odd reason, 
i feel as though
it was some sort of
unique
rite of passage for me.

another rite of
passage 
another reminder that
i am no
exception to 
no vomiting 
and
no heartbreak
is that my dog
died. 
purchased by
a 6th grade abbie
she was my
best friend.
14 years later
i held her in
my arms
and let her go.
i will add, 
that these moments
of broken
relationships
are that much more
horrible
heartbreaking
because she's
not here.
to instinctively
know when her
mom 
is upset
and to trot over 
and plop down
beside me
and stay
until the sun comes out again.

so, 
the breakup, 
though ridiculously
painfully
consuming and
overwhelming
at times.
couldn't have gone better.
so far. 
it's extremely hard
to say that
and i don't quite
believe it 
100% yet.
but i know i will.

the vomiting episode, 
though my cousin's
carpet 
and couch
got the best of it
and my cousin
herself had to 
change my
clothes
and 
wipe my 
mouth and 
clean the up
the mess.
couldn't have happened better.
bahaha...
because for the past
.....17? years
i have 
dreaded
the moment 
where the contents
of my stomach 
come back out, 
i was honestly too
inebriated to 
understand that 
what i was doing
was what i'd been fearing.
i did ask for my mum once.
but, i made it.

and of course, 
even though
letting my dog go
was the 
hardest thing
i have had to do, 
i couldn't have envisioned
a better way.
we had a final
24 hours to say
goodbye.
and i loved on her
with all the lovin
i had. 
we all did. 
and when the time came.
we were all there
outside 
in the sun 
and she felt the
love
and we knew it was okay.

and it is
isn't it?
it's always okay.
everything always turns out
okay.


note to those confused by this entry: 
yes, yes i did just compare my breakup to vomiting to the death of my dog. hey, it's life.