love. its all you need and all you should give.

it's 20 minutes of honesty and heartbreak. you'll probably cry. it's worth it.

and then my heart grew 10 whole sizes.

there are moments in your life where you can literally feel your heart grow and your perspective broaden. in those moments you look at the people around you and immediately want to embrace them all in a group hug. in those moments you realize that at the end of the day what we have is each other. you realize that there is no race or finish line to cross, we're in this together. and if you're lucky, those moments aren't fleeting. they linger... for a few minutes or hours.. perhaps even the day. you learn in those moments how to grab ahold of them and ride that shooting star's tail right out of the room. if you succeed, that star doesn't burn out when the day is over. that moment has become part of an intricate quilt and you wrap yourself with it's warmth and appreciation for all the days of your life. 

in october i met a 4year old girl, isabelle. she lived in the town where i went to high school and had been diagnosed with stage 4 neutroblastoma in january. i read about her fight in the local newspaper and decided to friend request her mom on facebook so i could follow along with her journey. i wanted to help in some way but an opportunity hadn't presented itself. yet. fast forward to october, again... isabelle's mother had posted on facebook that her 5th birthday was approaching and they were looking for suggestions of places to have the party as funds were short this year and space was limited. my chance. there it was. i didn't think twice, i actually didn't even think about it. i immediately emailed her mom and asked if i could take care of the party, venue, favors, decorations, games etc. she gratefully accepted my offer and i'm pretty sure i was more excited in that moment than i ever had been on any christmas morning in my past. 

isabelle's only requests for the party were a mickey mouse clubhouse theme, a pinata, and pepperoni slices. i had about 4 weeks to plan the party so i set out finding photo booth props, crafts, decorations, candy for a candy buffet, prizes, games, a minnie mouse party dress for the birthday girl and i even found mickey mouse shaped pepperoni slices. people rallied around me asking what they could do, they gave money, their time, their talents and other donations. i was blown away by it all. i felt so grateful for the amazing group of friends and family that i get to call mine, they supported me and helped in any way they could party wise, but they filled my heart to the brim as well. 

the party went off without a hitch. i rented out a local recreation hall and we filled it with mickey mouse clubhouse balloons, decorations, candy, games and music. isabelle's family and friends poured in to celebrate this sweet little girl's life. unfortunately isabelle wasn't feeling very well but after the party, when she went home, she told her nanny and baboo that she had so much fun and she continued to talk about her party in the weeks to come to anyone who would listen.

isabelle continued her brave battle with neuroblastoma for 57 more days after her 5th birthday party. she passed away surrounded by her family and knowing that so many people loved her. 

in the days following her passing i struggled with the unfairness of it all. thankfully i had gotten the opportunity to visit with isabelle in the hospital a few days prior and gifted her with photos from the birthday party. together we looked through them and she pointed out pictures of her and her friends playing the games and opening gifts. i wished more in that moment then in any other, that a miracle would take place and this little girl would live a long and healthy life outside of the hospital walls. i wanted that so bad for her. to be able to grow up and to continue becoming blissfully aware of just how beautiful life can be. 

but, there are those lives that are meant to shine super bright for just a short time. it doesn't make sense. it never will. but i can promise you this, when you're given moments with a life as extraordinary and beautiful as isabelle's, they never fade. those moments plant a good seed in your heart that grows and in that way, isabelle lives on. she lives on in so many many lives. seeds are growing everywhere. she's created a garden of love and goodness that shares it's beauty with the world every single day. 

i have reminders of isabelle and our short friendship everywhere. in frames, on the refrigerator and around my wrist. those are things i can see everyday. but what i love most is what she planted in my heart. i nourish that gift and share it with the world to the best of my ability every day. 

delivering her minnie mouse party dress the day i first met her.

the sweet shoppe table. my amazing co worker painted the portrait of isabelle.

one of my best childhood friends came to help out! she was the face painter.

the prize table.

the craft table sign.

at the craft table the kids decorated photo frames.

my amazing co worker drew this picture of goofy.

photo booth.

 

isabelle's grandmother made these awesome cupcakes....

and this awesome cake!

                       

the kids dressed up as their favorite clubhouse character.... mostly minnie!

                        

birthday girl taking her whack at the pinata. i made it last minute and it lasted awhile to my surprise!

                         

opening presents!

                         

isabelle and i opening a gift of mickey mouse artwork for her new bedroom.





the night i found out about isabelle's passing, i couldn't stop listening to this song. i think it's beautiful and it will forever remind me of my sweet little buddy.

(photos taken by me, stan hill, and sam little of freeman photography)

hello baby.

my dear friend and her partner recently welcomed a brand new baby girl into this world and last night i had the opportunity to meet and smother this little love bug with kisses. 

sweet baby girl (not her name, obviously) was brought into this world under extraordinary circumstances and has had so many people both squealing with delight over her arrival and thanking their lucky stars that good, kind, selfless and supportive people do in fact, still exist. 

it's been incredible watching my friends expand their family and witness their dreams unfolding and destiny stepping up to the plate before my very own eyes over these last few years.

dear c, s, b, e and sweet baby j, 

may your lives continue to be richly blessed with all the love in the universe. 

a few tales of the struggle.

it's been awhile
hey?
it's may of a brand 
new
year.
this year has already put me
through the
fucking wringer...ringer?
(note to self: look up "wringer" for a potential bananagram word)

i entered this year
alone.
but, okay.
in the midst of a 6 month
dating sabbatical.
you see, 
last summer i joined
match.com
....yes, laugh.
okay, stop.
i went on several dates
with lots of
great guys
who
inevitably turned out to be
just that.
great guys...
for someone else.
each time, 
for whatever reason, 
it didn't
amount more than
a walk downtown portland, 
a day at fort williams
or a trip to the fair...
it wasn't 
personal
it wasn't 
heartbreaking.
it just was.
however
after awhile
it took it's toll on me.
i took it 
personal
in the sense that
maybe there was something
wrong
with me?
so, after little
thought
i decided to embark on
an odyssey.
i decided to do some
soul searching
some heart mending
focus on what i
want
and what i
need
and what i have to
offer.
so, 6 months...
here we go abbie.

enter beginning of january
beginning of 2010
middle of said sabbatical
enter him.
a match date from the summer.
back in touch.
movie dates
dinner dates
texts galore.
i was 
smitten 
and before i knew it
the sabbatical was broken.
but, 
i assured myself that
he
was good. 
this relationship would
prove to be healthy
worth it.
and it was. 
worth it.
worth a broken sabbatical.
we spent our time
well.
i never stopped smiling. 
and now, 
a week or so after the said sabbatical
was scheduled to end, 
the relationship has ended.
for reasons that are enough
but they still fucking burn
a hole in my heart.
the healing process
is brand new...
the band aid is still on
and even though it is fucking pulling
at my hair and itchy
i'm trying really hard
not to pull it off
too early.
attempts at feeling
every degree of shitty shit
are being made
and slowly
i know the highs will
creep back in
and every attempt will be made
to feel them too.
and soon, 
i know, 
everything will be
just fine.
i remain thankful
for my time with this man.
for the laughter
for the smiles
for the movie nights
for the game days
for the personal moments
and yes, 
i am thankful 
for the tears.
these emotions remind me
that i am human.

annnnnnnnnnnnnd sighhhhh...

what else reminded me 
that
i
am human
this year?

the fact that i 
vomited for the 
first time
since
1993?
what a crazy reminder
huh?
an extreme phobia
of the upchucking process
was erased by a hot tub and
a mother fucking bottle 
of pinot.
for some 
odd reason, 
i feel as though
it was some sort of
unique
rite of passage for me.

another rite of
passage 
another reminder that
i am no
exception to 
no vomiting 
and
no heartbreak
is that my dog
died. 
purchased by
a 6th grade abbie
she was my
best friend.
14 years later
i held her in
my arms
and let her go.
i will add, 
that these moments
of broken
relationships
are that much more
horrible
heartbreaking
because she's
not here.
to instinctively
know when her
mom 
is upset
and to trot over 
and plop down
beside me
and stay
until the sun comes out again.

so, 
the breakup, 
though ridiculously
painfully
consuming and
overwhelming
at times.
couldn't have gone better.
so far. 
it's extremely hard
to say that
and i don't quite
believe it 
100% yet.
but i know i will.

the vomiting episode, 
though my cousin's
carpet 
and couch
got the best of it
and my cousin
herself had to 
change my
clothes
and 
wipe my 
mouth and 
clean the up
the mess.
couldn't have happened better.
bahaha...
because for the past
.....17? years
i have 
dreaded
the moment 
where the contents
of my stomach 
come back out, 
i was honestly too
inebriated to 
understand that 
what i was doing
was what i'd been fearing.
i did ask for my mum once.
but, i made it.

and of course, 
even though
letting my dog go
was the 
hardest thing
i have had to do, 
i couldn't have envisioned
a better way.
we had a final
24 hours to say
goodbye.
and i loved on her
with all the lovin
i had. 
we all did. 
and when the time came.
we were all there
outside 
in the sun 
and she felt the
love
and we knew it was okay.

and it is
isn't it?
it's always okay.
everything always turns out
okay.


note to those confused by this entry: 
yes, yes i did just compare my breakup to vomiting to the death of my dog. hey, it's life.