Monday, December 7, 2009

runaway (i think i'm gonna stay).

i tend to runaway
from things
when they get
scary
complicated
hurtful
when they become 
lies
too deep
not deep enough
when it 
burns
cuts deep
aches.
when my only other option
has been
fetal position
lights off
tears streaming.
i have always been the nice girl
the girl who says
"if you
fuck with me
i will fuck your whole life up"
and never meant it
and never had it in her heart.
that was someone's life 
i was threatening to ruin
i could never
would never
so i apologized
first
and again
and again
and again
and most times was 
the only one to say
sorry.
sorry i couldn't be what you needed so you wouldn't
cheat.
sorry i couldn't respond the way you wanted so you wouldn't
lie.
sorry i couldn't take the blow again and again so you wouldn't
leave.
sorry i can't wait for you to figure out what you wanted so you wouldn't
chose her.
sorry i couldn't voice my opinion so you wouldn't always start an
argument.
i think the only apology i owe to anyone
is to myself.
i'm sorry you didn't have faith in yourself to 
leave
and make it on your own.
i'm sorry you didn't respond the way you felt and then turn around and walk
when they
lied.
i'm sorry you felt obligated to say you were sorry again and again
i'm sorry i always felt obligated to make
peace
and any and all cost
even if that cost was billed to 
you.
i'm not sorry anymore.
i'm not sorry that i have
wants.needs.dreams.hopes.plans.desires.
a fire burning in me.
a heart full of love to give.
i don't feel bad
anymore.
john lennon
says
the love you take
is equal to
the love that you
make.