the space between.

yesterday was
may 31st 2012.
i woke up
calm yet
anxious.
i knew the hours
were
slipping by
quickly.
i knew the time
i had left
with you
could now be measured
in hours
and before long
minutes
and then
when stopwatch hit
:60
i began to panic.
when our time was up
nothing happened.
now i wait
worrying
nervous
wishing there was
something
i could do.
knowing
there wasn't.
14 years ago
i was oblivious to this
gut wrenching countdown
that would take over
every
may 31st
into
june 1st
for the rest of my life.
i went to sleep last night
clutching
the moments.
the memories.
the innocence.
even though
they vanished years ago
i still feel
on may 31st
that i can save them.

as i shut your bedroom door
behind me
the clock began ticking.
my first steps down your hall
away from you
time was vanishing.
i walked out of your house
you were so close,
still
yet so far gone.
15 hours
37 minutes
12 seconds
11, 10, 9, 8...

14 years ago i fell asleep feeling
content
loved
happy

every year since,
i fall asleep feeling
nervous.
i want to stop the fucking clock.
life happens in slow motion
yet so fast.

14 years ago i didn't know that
my time with you was up.
not yet.
i'm in love with this timer
it means that even though
our time is up
you're still here.
that brings me strange comfort
in the midst of the
storm that is brewing
in the pit of my stomach.

june 1st, 1998
was a monday.
the clock, relentless,
it's at
3:25:13
3 hours.
my time with you has been up for 11 hours
but you're still here
for 3 more hours,
you're still here.
i feel my heart
beginning to race
that space in between
it's getting heavy.
i didn't know then
but i've carried it around
since.
seconds are slipping away
everyone who loves you
has a clock
they're all in this space too

you. you are in your
own space.
we're all there
we're with you
though we were in our own spaces
we were always
right there
with you
in yours.

2 hours now.
i'm searching the school halls for you.
1 hour...
i'm in the nurses office wanting to go home
30 minutes to go...
i'm back in class.

today i feel sick as these minutes slip away.
though you've been gone for all these years
i still feel like in these moments
i can change time.
i feel closer to you than any other moment
yet further away from you than ever before.

10, 9, 8.... 3, 2, 1.
the clock stops.
..........................................

in the second that follows
a new clock starts.
i exhale.
and i begin my life
without you
for another year.
its now counting the
seconds
minutes
hours
days
weeks
months
years
without you
no longer with you and
away from you
but
without you
AND
away from you

but somehow
you're still here
alive in
everyone
who had a clock looming over them
that day.
and time marches on.
there is always a clock
bringing us closer
and pulling
us further away.

one thing i know for certain is this;

today hurts like hell.

call me pathetic...

but i just seem to get enough of this cover.

huge smiles on your part should happen when he smiles at 2:35 and when she smiles at 3:56.

hello baby.

my dear friend and her partner recently welcomed a brand new baby girl into this world and last night i had the opportunity to meet and smother this little love bug with kisses. 

sweet baby girl (not her name, obviously) was brought into this world under extraordinary circumstances and has had so many people both squealing with delight over her arrival and thanking their lucky stars that good, kind, selfless and supportive people do in fact, still exist. 

it's been incredible watching my friends expand their family and witness their dreams unfolding and destiny stepping up to the plate before my very own eyes over these last few years.

dear c, s, b, e and sweet baby j, 

may your lives continue to be richly blessed with all the love in the universe. 

somebody that i used to know.

is this song getting old yet? a bit but, i love this and can't stop watching... i may also be attempting to learn the moves in my living room with the shades drawn:)

goal 13. see a red sox game.

1 down, 29 to go. 

on friday, may 11th, my college friends melissa and bobsie and i went to see the red sox play the indians at fenway park. it was my first red sox game ever and bobsie's last game as an official bostonian. 

bobsie and i walked to fenway from her apartment getting there before melissa and company (who were driving up from providence). we sat on lansdowne street and soaked up the excitement.

we ate these...

from here...

melissa and company showed up and it was game time. we double fisted beer, ate popcorn and booed when johnny damon went up to bat for the indians. we also slacked on quality picture taking per usual.

the last time the 3 of us were together was during our firewater experience in providence in september. bobsie is moving back to georgia this week so sadly our spring awakening trips in boston will be no longer but, this was a pretty spectacular way to wrap them up.

help yourself. sad brad smith.

such a lovely lovely song from the movie up in the air.

day four & five.

day four. fun.

day five. bird.

day three.

day three. something that you wore.

day two.

day two. skyline.

you can follow the success or failure of this project on my twitter or instagram.

day one.

i've attempted every photo a day project there is out there... i always fail no longer than half way through. fat mum slim creates a monthly photo a day project and invites people to participate via facebook, twitter, instragram, pinterest etc. because i suck at coming up with something creative to photograph every day on my own, i've decided to play along with her list. without further ado, i give you....

day one. peace. 

you can follow the success or failure of this project on my twitter or instagram.

jackie and michelle oh oh oh!

if you know me at all, you know that i am quite in love with the kennedy family. i wrote my senior research paper on jfk's assassination, i traveled all the way to the arlington national cemetery just to stand before the eternal flame. i've driven through dealey plaza in dallas and i have spent hours at the john f. kennedy presidential library and museum in boston. i've devoured books about jfk's life growing up, camelot, the cuban missile crisis and bay of pigs invasion, conspiracies around his assassination, his time served in the military, his election, jfk's involvement with the peace corps, space program and civil rights along with his rebuilding of the special forces. i'm no fan of politics but i deeply admire kennedy's legacy (and i'm sure i'll nerd out more than once about it on this blog).

along with my ridiculous jfk fascination comes my girl crush on his wife. incredible in her own ways, she was clearly a woman of grace and dignity... this may 19th will mark the 18th year of her passing and my pinterest boards have been blowing up with some of my all time favorite photos of the former first lady.

and although no one can compare to the late jackie, this woman is doing a mighty fine job. (i mean, look at her rock that dress)

chapter 8. me to you.

may 2003. having never met you before, only talked via phone and email, i flew to texas for 3 days to meet you. i then left for california for the weekend and then flew back to you in texas for another 4 days. we spent a lot of time at sonic and each other's "houses". we were 19.

  july 2003. just a few months after our initial meeting, you flew to maine for 2 weeks during the summer. we spent a few days in boothbay harbor deep sea fishing and went to a castle in new hampshire. we were 19.        

december 2004-january 2005. you flew to maine the day after christmas to help me pack for my big move to california. we spent a few nights in boston. on new years eve day, we both flew to texas. i spent 8 days there. we went to dallas and took an unforgettable road trip to austin. we were 20.                   

may 2010. you had just moved to dc and we decided to take a road trip and meet in the middle which happened to be lovely connecticut. we spent 24 epic hours exploring the amazing bridgeport. we were 26.

july 2010. you flew to maine. we spent your time here kayaking, camping and thrifting. we documented every day with a video we called "reflections". we were 26.

august 2010. i flew to your new life in dc. we spent a somber day at the holocaust museum, smoked way too many cigarettes and you cut your hair short again. we were 26.

july 2011. you flew to maine. we kayaked and went to an amos lee concert. other than that neither one of us have any recollection of this trip. we were 27.

april 2012. my dad and i flew to you in dc. we spent our time nerding out on our apple gear, eating at "fuddruckles", celebrating your birthday, doing house maintenance, attending auctions, sitting by a campfire, drinking too much, shopping for bow ties and vintage treasures, getting matching tattoos and remembering why it is that we still, after all these years and so few visits, have a firm, mutual understanding, love and respect for the very threads that have held us together. this is our 9th year of being everything the other needs and we are 28.

i love you and cannot wait to write chapter 9 (and all the ones after that...)

                        

people on the street.

DISCLAIMER: i wrote this post at least a year ago. today i was cleaning up my drafts folder and came across it. i thought it was post worthy.

i like to read the obituaries. you know the old jokes your grandparents say "i start off with a cup of coffee and the obituaries. if i don't see myself in there, i know it's a good day." yea, i'm not like that. i like to read them to see what kind of life the person had. what they did, who they loved and what they're leaving behind. all too often do i find myself sad because i never got to know the person i read about. i find myself wishing i could bring them back, not only for their loved ones, but for me. so i know of their name while they're still alive.

i've recently been addicted to the blog 182 days. it's blog of a young gal my age who was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and given 182 days to live. in these days she is defining herself and coloring outside of the lines. making sure she leaves the world not only with her mark on it, but a better place than she found it. she is determined to make every second count and to inspire others to do the same. she hasn't been blogging for very long so quick! head over there, there's time to catch up.

recently a man who works in the same school district as i, passed away. it was a shock to the whole community because his face was a constant around these parts. he drove the sports and field trip bus for the district, he's been doing it since i went to school here. a friendly face and entertaining bus driver, he was the student's biggest fan. outside of work he and his family ran their own farm. pumpkins in the fall, corn, cows, fresh eggs, you name it. it was very typical to drive by his house and see him out in his field on the tractor. he left behind his high school sweetheart turned wife, kids and grand kids. he left behind a community that loved and respected his work ethic and kindness. as i read his obituary, i learned things i hadn't known about him. I knew of him, but didn't know him personally. i saw him often but never spoke more than a few sentences to him at a time. reading about his life made me wish that i had taken the time to know him more. to ask him questions about his farm and see this infamous twinkle in his eye when he spoke of his grandchildren. i passed him almost everyday at some point during my day and never asked more.

this man took his own life. it doesn't matter how or why, what matters is that behind that twinkle and warm smile, was pain. i don't know details, i don't need to. maybe people knew of his pain. maybe they didn't. i don't want to speculate or judge. i just want to throw out a blanket of comfort and warmth and gather this whole community under it.

because you never know. that person who cut you off and then you proceeded to flip off and blow your horn at for a minutes straight, maybe one of their loved ones just passed or maybe they just got fired or had a fight with their spouse. maybe they've struggled with depression for a majority of their life and sometimes simply getting out of bed takes every ounce of energy they have. maybe they are fighting a battle you know nothing about. just maybe.

and maybe you are too. but i truly believe that one simple act of kindness can spread like wildfire. one simple act of kindness probably won't give someone their job back or fix their life, but it will brighten a few seconds of their day which is a few seconds more than before.

small gestures do make huge differences. giving inspires more people to give. and shit, if being kind doesn't give you you're own boost, i don't know what will.

so, the lesson i have learned in all this rambling is that everyone is fighting some sort of battle and we're all here to hold each other up. get to know that person you see at the coffee shop everyday. give your car horn a rest today. smile. more. smile at everyone you see. all. day. long. we're all in this together.