Friday, June 1, 2012

the space between.

yesterday was
may 31st 2012.
i woke up
calm yet
anxious.
i knew the hours
were
slipping by
quickly.
i knew the time
i had left
with you
could now be measured
in hours
and before long
minutes
and then
when stopwatch hit
:60
i began to panic.
when our time was up
nothing happened.
now i wait
worrying
nervous
wishing there was
something
i could do.
knowing
there wasn't.
14 years ago
i was oblivious to this
gut wrenching countdown
that would take over
every
may 31st
into
june 1st
for the rest of my life.
i went to sleep last night
clutching
the moments.
the memories.
the innocence.
even though
they vanished years ago
i still feel
on may 31st
that i can save them.

as i shut your bedroom door
behind me
the clock began ticking.
my first steps down your hall
away from you
time was vanishing.
i walked out of your house
you were so close,
still
yet so far gone.
15 hours
37 minutes
12 seconds
11, 10, 9, 8...

14 years ago i fell asleep feeling
content
loved
happy

every year since,
i fall asleep feeling
nervous.
i want to stop the fucking clock.
life happens in slow motion
yet so fast.

14 years ago i didn't know that
my time with you was up.
not yet.
i'm in love with this timer
it means that even though
our time is up
you're still here.
that brings me strange comfort
in the midst of the
storm that is brewing
in the pit of my stomach.

june 1st, 1998
was a monday.
the clock, relentless,
it's at
3:25:13
3 hours.
my time with you has been up for 11 hours
but you're still here
for 3 more hours,
you're still here.
i feel my heart
beginning to race
that space in between
it's getting heavy.
i didn't know then
but i've carried it around
since.
seconds are slipping away
everyone who loves you
has a clock
they're all in this space too

you. you are in your
own space.
we're all there
we're with you
though we were in our own spaces
we were always
right there
with you
in yours.

2 hours now.
i'm searching the school halls for you.
1 hour...
i'm in the nurses office wanting to go home
30 minutes to go...
i'm back in class.

today i feel sick as these minutes slip away.
though you've been gone for all these years
i still feel like in these moments
i can change time.
i feel closer to you than any other moment
yet further away from you than ever before.

10, 9, 8.... 3, 2, 1.
the clock stops.
..........................................

in the second that follows
a new clock starts.
i exhale.
and i begin my life
without you
for another year.
its now counting the
seconds
minutes
hours
days
weeks
months
years
without you
no longer with you and
away from you
but
without you
AND
away from you

but somehow
you're still here
alive in
everyone
who had a clock looming over them
that day.
and time marches on.
there is always a clock
bringing us closer
and pulling
us further away.

one thing i know for certain is this;

today hurts like hell.