Monday, December 7, 2009

runaway (i think i'm gonna stay).

i tend to runaway
from things
when they get
scary
complicated
hurtful
when they become 
lies
too deep
not deep enough
when it 
burns
cuts deep
aches.
when my only other option
has been
fetal position
lights off
tears streaming.
i have always been the nice girl
the girl who says
"if you
fuck with me
i will fuck your whole life up"
and never meant it
and never had it in her heart.
that was someone's life 
i was threatening to ruin
i could never
would never
so i apologized
first
and again
and again
and again
and most times was 
the only one to say
sorry.
sorry i couldn't be what you needed so you wouldn't
cheat.
sorry i couldn't respond the way you wanted so you wouldn't
lie.
sorry i couldn't take the blow again and again so you wouldn't
leave.
sorry i can't wait for you to figure out what you wanted so you wouldn't
chose her.
sorry i couldn't voice my opinion so you wouldn't always start an
argument.
i think the only apology i owe to anyone
is to myself.
i'm sorry you didn't have faith in yourself to 
leave
and make it on your own.
i'm sorry you didn't respond the way you felt and then turn around and walk
when they
lied.
i'm sorry you felt obligated to say you were sorry again and again
i'm sorry i always felt obligated to make
peace
and any and all cost
even if that cost was billed to 
you.
i'm not sorry anymore.
i'm not sorry that i have
wants.needs.dreams.hopes.plans.desires.
a fire burning in me.
a heart full of love to give.
i don't feel bad
anymore.
john lennon
says
the love you take
is equal to
the love that you
make.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

tuesday night. 10:55.

i need help
remembering...
why.
the burn.
the cut
to the bone.
the dry mouth from a
jaw
dropped open
too long.
i erased it
i didn't care
i cared,
wait just a second
hold up just
one
fucking minute..
you suck.
you have no idea
no remorse..
here's the cut
do you want
the burn
too?
i got a carton full
of morton's table
salt..
insecure.
life's fleeting moment
my ass
i was right
just like you were wrong
are
always will be
words speak louder
than actions
silence speaks
louder than compliments
everything got erased
i thought i
wrote it
with a sharpie
saved it to a floppy disk
i could have swore
i wrote it
something..
right?
didn't i?
wasn't there something
worthy
of words?
you are just plain
mean.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

tuesday.

who: abby, amy and keziah
what: talking about the incomprehensible and mysterious.
where: teacher's room B113.
when: tuesday. 10. march. 2009. 10:30 ish.
why: because there is all too much to discuss.

and it went a little something like this,

abby: last night i woke up at like 2 and the moonlight was shining on me and i was like "awwww". amy and keziah both laugh.
abby: and it's so crazy that that same exact moon is shining on someone the exact same way as it was shining on me at that exact same moment.

that moon, whose light was shining down on me
is the same moon that has been around for millions of years.
that moon has shone down on billions and billions and billions of people.
lighted ways. given hope.
and nearly every person has acknowledged, seen or heard about the moon.
is it out? is it full?
if it's tilted and could hold water, it means it's going to rain.
that moon is the keeper of many stories and many secrets.
people have walked on that fucking moon.
and so even though the moon shines somewhere every second,
it's still very surreal to me
that it shines down on me.
it finds me.
and if everyone thought "awwww" as the moon shone down on them
that's a whole lotta good feeling from one universal thing.

amy also shared
that when she sees a car on the road, or wherever
that has someone in it
and they are smoking or listening to the radio or thinking or talking on the phone or biting their nails or taking a drink
that that moment is a moment of their life. they are inside that car living a moment of their life in their world.
add 50 more cars times 1,286 roads times 50 states
and that's a whole lotta people (not even close to all)
living their days of their lives.
the universe is huge..huge..HUGE.
i am a part of it. i am walking where millions of people have walked.
i am walking where millions more will walk.
there was a time when i wasn't here.
when this very spot i am at physically was occupied by
someone else.
becoming a living breathing human being is so fucking ridiculous to me.
so much had to be perfect, had to be lined up in order for my life to begin.
two people, living their lives, decided to live and love together.
there were two people.
two living,
breathing people.
they had no children. yet.
then. the stars
alligned.
and their love. the love they shared. generated. lived.
made an abby. me.
one day there was
nothing
the next day there was
something.
something that only these two people could make. no other two people on this planet could have made me. i would not exsist had my mother and my father not loved.
so there was nothing. and then a fertalized egg...and then a heartbeat. veins, organs, fingers, fingernails, ears, toes....
out of nothing
nothing.
nothing but love
came this being. this human.
what the fuck.
wheeeww weeeeee...
it blows my mind.
and now i am here. 1 in 6.5 billion.
and i will make myself known. i will leave footprints.
someday i will love someone and our
love will do
miraculous things.
one day, it'll just be he and i.
and the next...
a being.
that we,
our love created.
it'll be a perfect mixture of each one of us.
two people will make one person.
and when i see this life,
i will be so overcome by emotion.
i will never be able to comprehend how everything in the universe was
right,
and we made something with
our love.
i will look at this being and it'll be like looking in a mirror.
i'll get that trippy head feeling.
i'll need to sit down.
right now i have nothing.
but what i have and what you have
will make something that'll become the
greatest love of my life.
what!?
there is most definately more to life than this.
we spoke about the afterlife. so many many different beliefs and opinions
i am not religious by any means.
i grew up christian,
but have since gone my own way.
i am spiritual.
i believe there is a god,
a higher being.
and i chose to believe that when i die,
something bigger and
better will happen to my
soul.
will i go to heaven?
will my soul come back down here and do this all over again?
i'm not sure.
but i do not believe that when i die, i'll be put in a box, in the ground, and will rot.
my physical body may,
but nothing more.
that's another thing... the surrealness of life and death to me.
right now i am alive.
breathing.
my heart is beating.
my mind is thinking.
my hands are typing.
but
in a minute,
10 minutes,
7 seconds.
i could be gone.
what is gone?
my heart will stop. and i'll just be an exterior.
where does abby go?
there is more.
there is a soul.
where does it go?
one day, i'll be here one second and gone the next.
just like that.
the snap of a finger. and
poof
my physical being wll no longer have moon shine shining on it.
it all seems too much to comprehend.
the wonders.
amy touched on the earth just being an ant farm in a higher being's, bigger being's,
experiment.
some asshole's passion play.
what are the human's gonna do when thousands are tortured and murdered because of their beliefs?
what are the humans gonna do when they are literally skin and bones. when they have big swollen bellies and flies on their faces?
what are the humans gonna do?
keziah touched on the possiblity that earth is just a fucking marble.
in a universe full of marbles.
all the marbles are unaware of the others.
horton hears a who. a whole mess of people who are living on a spec of dust.
maybe dr. suess had some good points in other books other than
oh, the places you'll go!
you get to that place and the possibilites are endless.
i can't even wrap my head around it.
i can't even fathom the vastness of this life.
you think you know shit?
you don't know anything.
i don't know anything.
we don't know anything.
somewhere,
right now
someone is being diagnosed with breast cancer, is getting married, someone is standing on the edge of the grand canyon, swimming, riding a camel in egypt, being tortured, drinking the finest wine, giving birth, being born, listening to music, crying, laughing, is fishing in mexico, starving in africa, skiing, killing....
right
now.
and here we are.
thinking petty thoughts about petty problems.
but hey, it's our life.
here we are living our life.
how we want.
one drop of water in a huge ocean
"we ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. but the ocean would be less because of that missing drop."
so says mother teresa.


it's okay to be selfish. greedy. needy. emotional. hurt. confused. amazed. amazing. breathless. it's okay to love and be loved. it's okay to make love. to make music, create art. it's okay to be happy. sad. upset. joyful. generous. honest. kind. it's okay to sing. to talk. think. it's okay to be. you. tired. overwhelmed. pissed off. excited. it's okay to 
open your doors. it's okay to go against the grain. with the grain. fuck the grain. it's okay to change.


it's okay.
it's okay.
it's okay.
everything is okay.
you need to feel every emotion when any emotion shows itself.
feel it. hold it. sit with it. don't fight it.
you need it.
you are a mother fucking drop in the the atlantic, pacific, indian and arctic oceans combined times a trillion.
but you
are 
a drop
nonetheless.
a worthy.
exquisite drop.
and you know what?
your drop is like the aforementioned marble.
a whole planet exists on your drop.
a whole life...
that does the whole 6 degrees of kevin bacon shit
and connects to other drops.
but your drop,
your drop is a beauty.
your drop is your drop.
and i can't quite explain this.
it's all too much to comprehend.
i am so passionate about life it's ridiculous. i have this overwhelming desire to take it and just squeeze it, to drink it up and spit out sunshine...
i have such a desire to love, be loved, make love, show love.
i have such a desire to do everything, see everything. experience everything.
i want to earn my place here.
and you know what?
you know what i don't want?
i never want to grasp any of this.
i want a lifetime of wonder
amazment
miracle
surrealism
i want to be blown away by moments
concepts
truths
i don't want to ever know why things are the way they are in this story
i just want to know that they simply are what they are.
and to take it
breath it
seize it
accept it
respect it
hold it
love it
give thanks for it
again
and again
and again
be it.
live it.
joyfully, gracefully, humorously, lovingly, kindly, with dignity, thankfully.
savor each drop.
because what if
when we go
we just get put in a box, in the ground and rot.
soul and all?
so walk tall
with your head held high
put on that fucking smile
everyday.
love.
love.
love.
because love
is how we all got here.
this sums it all up:


I had always heard
your entire life flashes
in front of your
eyes
the second before you die.
First of all, that
one second
isn't a second at all,
it stretches on
forever, like an ocean of time...
For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn.
I guess I could be pretty
pissed off about what happened to me...
but it's hard to stay mad,
when there's so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at
once,
and it's too much,
my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to
burst...
And then I remember to
relax, and
stop trying to hold on to it,
and then it flows through me like rain
and I can't feel anything but
gratitude for
every
single
moment
of my stupid little life...
You have no idea what I'm talking about,
I'm sure.
But don't worry...
you will someday.


-lester burnham, american beauty.