a few tales of the struggle.

it's been awhile
hey?
it's may of a brand 
new
year.
this year has already put me
through the
fucking wringer...ringer?
(note to self: look up "wringer" for a potential bananagram word)

i entered this year
alone.
but, okay.
in the midst of a 6 month
dating sabbatical.
you see, 
last summer i joined
match.com
....yes, laugh.
okay, stop.
i went on several dates
with lots of
great guys
who
inevitably turned out to be
just that.
great guys...
for someone else.
each time, 
for whatever reason, 
it didn't
amount more than
a walk downtown portland, 
a day at fort williams
or a trip to the fair...
it wasn't 
personal
it wasn't 
heartbreaking.
it just was.
however
after awhile
it took it's toll on me.
i took it 
personal
in the sense that
maybe there was something
wrong
with me?
so, after little
thought
i decided to embark on
an odyssey.
i decided to do some
soul searching
some heart mending
focus on what i
want
and what i
need
and what i have to
offer.
so, 6 months...
here we go abbie.

enter beginning of january
beginning of 2010
middle of said sabbatical
enter him.
a match date from the summer.
back in touch.
movie dates
dinner dates
texts galore.
i was 
smitten 
and before i knew it
the sabbatical was broken.
but, 
i assured myself that
he
was good. 
this relationship would
prove to be healthy
worth it.
and it was. 
worth it.
worth a broken sabbatical.
we spent our time
well.
i never stopped smiling. 
and now, 
a week or so after the said sabbatical
was scheduled to end, 
the relationship has ended.
for reasons that are enough
but they still fucking burn
a hole in my heart.
the healing process
is brand new...
the band aid is still on
and even though it is fucking pulling
at my hair and itchy
i'm trying really hard
not to pull it off
too early.
attempts at feeling
every degree of shitty shit
are being made
and slowly
i know the highs will
creep back in
and every attempt will be made
to feel them too.
and soon, 
i know, 
everything will be
just fine.
i remain thankful
for my time with this man.
for the laughter
for the smiles
for the movie nights
for the game days
for the personal moments
and yes, 
i am thankful 
for the tears.
these emotions remind me
that i am human.

annnnnnnnnnnnnd sighhhhh...

what else reminded me 
that
i
am human
this year?

the fact that i 
vomited for the 
first time
since
1993?
what a crazy reminder
huh?
an extreme phobia
of the upchucking process
was erased by a hot tub and
a mother fucking bottle 
of pinot.
for some 
odd reason, 
i feel as though
it was some sort of
unique
rite of passage for me.

another rite of
passage 
another reminder that
i am no
exception to 
no vomiting 
and
no heartbreak
is that my dog
died. 
purchased by
a 6th grade abbie
she was my
best friend.
14 years later
i held her in
my arms
and let her go.
i will add, 
that these moments
of broken
relationships
are that much more
horrible
heartbreaking
because she's
not here.
to instinctively
know when her
mom 
is upset
and to trot over 
and plop down
beside me
and stay
until the sun comes out again.

so, 
the breakup, 
though ridiculously
painfully
consuming and
overwhelming
at times.
couldn't have gone better.
so far. 
it's extremely hard
to say that
and i don't quite
believe it 
100% yet.
but i know i will.

the vomiting episode, 
though my cousin's
carpet 
and couch
got the best of it
and my cousin
herself had to 
change my
clothes
and 
wipe my 
mouth and 
clean the up
the mess.
couldn't have happened better.
bahaha...
because for the past
.....17? years
i have 
dreaded
the moment 
where the contents
of my stomach 
come back out, 
i was honestly too
inebriated to 
understand that 
what i was doing
was what i'd been fearing.
i did ask for my mum once.
but, i made it.

and of course, 
even though
letting my dog go
was the 
hardest thing
i have had to do, 
i couldn't have envisioned
a better way.
we had a final
24 hours to say
goodbye.
and i loved on her
with all the lovin
i had. 
we all did. 
and when the time came.
we were all there
outside 
in the sun 
and she felt the
love
and we knew it was okay.

and it is
isn't it?
it's always okay.
everything always turns out
okay.


note to those confused by this entry: 
yes, yes i did just compare my breakup to vomiting to the death of my dog. hey, it's life.

runaway (i think i'm gonna stay).

i tend to runaway
from things
when they get
scary
complicated
hurtful
when they become 
lies
too deep
not deep enough
when it 
burns
cuts deep
aches.
when my only other option
has been
fetal position
lights off
tears streaming.
i have always been the nice girl
the girl who says
"if you
fuck with me
i will fuck your whole life up"
and never meant it
and never had it in her heart.
that was someone's life 
i was threatening to ruin
i could never
would never
so i apologized
first
and again
and again
and again
and most times was 
the only one to say
sorry.
sorry i couldn't be what you needed so you wouldn't
cheat.
sorry i couldn't respond the way you wanted so you wouldn't
lie.
sorry i couldn't take the blow again and again so you wouldn't
leave.
sorry i can't wait for you to figure out what you wanted so you wouldn't
chose her.
sorry i couldn't voice my opinion so you wouldn't always start an
argument.
i think the only apology i owe to anyone
is to myself.
i'm sorry you didn't have faith in yourself to 
leave
and make it on your own.
i'm sorry you didn't respond the way you felt and then turn around and walk
when they
lied.
i'm sorry you felt obligated to say you were sorry again and again
i'm sorry i always felt obligated to make
peace
and any and all cost
even if that cost was billed to 
you.
i'm not sorry anymore.
i'm not sorry that i have
wants.needs.dreams.hopes.plans.desires.
a fire burning in me.
a heart full of love to give.
i don't feel bad
anymore.
john lennon
says
the love you take
is equal to
the love that you
make.