Tuesday, March 10, 2009


who: abby, amy and keziah
what: talking about the incomprehensible and mysterious.
where: teacher's room B113.
when: tuesday. 10. march. 2009. 10:30 ish.
why: because there is all too much to discuss.

and it went a little something like this,

abby: last night i woke up at like 2 and the moonlight was shining on me and i was like "awwww". amy and keziah both laugh.
abby: and it's so crazy that that same exact moon is shining on someone the exact same way as it was shining on me at that exact same moment.

that moon, whose light was shining down on me
is the same moon that has been around for millions of years.
that moon has shone down on billions and billions and billions of people.
lighted ways. given hope.
and nearly every person has acknowledged, seen or heard about the moon.
is it out? is it full?
if it's tilted and could hold water, it means it's going to rain.
that moon is the keeper of many stories and many secrets.
people have walked on that fucking moon.
and so even though the moon shines somewhere every second,
it's still very surreal to me
that it shines down on me.
it finds me.
and if everyone thought "awwww" as the moon shone down on them
that's a whole lotta good feeling from one universal thing.

amy also shared
that when she sees a car on the road, or wherever
that has someone in it
and they are smoking or listening to the radio or thinking or talking on the phone or biting their nails or taking a drink
that that moment is a moment of their life. they are inside that car living a moment of their life in their world.
add 50 more cars times 1,286 roads times 50 states
and that's a whole lotta people (not even close to all)
living their days of their lives.
the universe is huge..huge..HUGE.
i am a part of it. i am walking where millions of people have walked.
i am walking where millions more will walk.
there was a time when i wasn't here.
when this very spot i am at physically was occupied by
someone else.
becoming a living breathing human being is so fucking ridiculous to me.
so much had to be perfect, had to be lined up in order for my life to begin.
two people, living their lives, decided to live and love together.
there were two people.
two living,
breathing people.
they had no children. yet.
then. the stars
and their love. the love they shared. generated. lived.
made an abby. me.
one day there was
the next day there was
something that only these two people could make. no other two people on this planet could have made me. i would not exsist had my mother and my father not loved.
so there was nothing. and then a fertalized egg...and then a heartbeat. veins, organs, fingers, fingernails, ears, toes....
out of nothing
nothing but love
came this being. this human.
what the fuck.
wheeeww weeeeee...
it blows my mind.
and now i am here. 1 in 6.5 billion.
and i will make myself known. i will leave footprints.
someday i will love someone and our
love will do
miraculous things.
one day, it'll just be he and i.
and the next...
a being.
that we,
our love created.
it'll be a perfect mixture of each one of us.
two people will make one person.
and when i see this life,
i will be so overcome by emotion.
i will never be able to comprehend how everything in the universe was
and we made something with
our love.
i will look at this being and it'll be like looking in a mirror.
i'll get that trippy head feeling.
i'll need to sit down.
right now i have nothing.
but what i have and what you have
will make something that'll become the
greatest love of my life.
there is most definately more to life than this.
we spoke about the afterlife. so many many different beliefs and opinions
i am not religious by any means.
i grew up christian,
but have since gone my own way.
i am spiritual.
i believe there is a god,
a higher being.
and i chose to believe that when i die,
something bigger and
better will happen to my
will i go to heaven?
will my soul come back down here and do this all over again?
i'm not sure.
but i do not believe that when i die, i'll be put in a box, in the ground, and will rot.
my physical body may,
but nothing more.
that's another thing... the surrealness of life and death to me.
right now i am alive.
my heart is beating.
my mind is thinking.
my hands are typing.
in a minute,
10 minutes,
7 seconds.
i could be gone.
what is gone?
my heart will stop. and i'll just be an exterior.
where does abby go?
there is more.
there is a soul.
where does it go?
one day, i'll be here one second and gone the next.
just like that.
the snap of a finger. and
my physical being wll no longer have moon shine shining on it.
it all seems too much to comprehend.
the wonders.
amy touched on the earth just being an ant farm in a higher being's, bigger being's,
some asshole's passion play.
what are the human's gonna do when thousands are tortured and murdered because of their beliefs?
what are the humans gonna do when they are literally skin and bones. when they have big swollen bellies and flies on their faces?
what are the humans gonna do?
keziah touched on the possiblity that earth is just a fucking marble.
in a universe full of marbles.
all the marbles are unaware of the others.
horton hears a who. a whole mess of people who are living on a spec of dust.
maybe dr. suess had some good points in other books other than
oh, the places you'll go!
you get to that place and the possibilites are endless.
i can't even wrap my head around it.
i can't even fathom the vastness of this life.
you think you know shit?
you don't know anything.
i don't know anything.
we don't know anything.
right now
someone is being diagnosed with breast cancer, is getting married, someone is standing on the edge of the grand canyon, swimming, riding a camel in egypt, being tortured, drinking the finest wine, giving birth, being born, listening to music, crying, laughing, is fishing in mexico, starving in africa, skiing, killing....
and here we are.
thinking petty thoughts about petty problems.
but hey, it's our life.
here we are living our life.
how we want.
one drop of water in a huge ocean
"we ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. but the ocean would be less because of that missing drop."
so says mother teresa.

it's okay to be selfish. greedy. needy. emotional. hurt. confused. amazed. amazing. breathless. it's okay to love and be loved. it's okay to make love. to make music, create art. it's okay to be happy. sad. upset. joyful. generous. honest. kind. it's okay to sing. to talk. think. it's okay to be. you. tired. overwhelmed. pissed off. excited. it's okay to 
open your doors. it's okay to go against the grain. with the grain. fuck the grain. it's okay to change.

it's okay.
it's okay.
it's okay.
everything is okay.
you need to feel every emotion when any emotion shows itself.
feel it. hold it. sit with it. don't fight it.
you need it.
you are a mother fucking drop in the the atlantic, pacific, indian and arctic oceans combined times a trillion.
but you
a drop
a worthy.
exquisite drop.
and you know what?
your drop is like the aforementioned marble.
a whole planet exists on your drop.
a whole life...
that does the whole 6 degrees of kevin bacon shit
and connects to other drops.
but your drop,
your drop is a beauty.
your drop is your drop.
and i can't quite explain this.
it's all too much to comprehend.
i am so passionate about life it's ridiculous. i have this overwhelming desire to take it and just squeeze it, to drink it up and spit out sunshine...
i have such a desire to love, be loved, make love, show love.
i have such a desire to do everything, see everything. experience everything.
i want to earn my place here.
and you know what?
you know what i don't want?
i never want to grasp any of this.
i want a lifetime of wonder
i want to be blown away by moments
i don't want to ever know why things are the way they are in this story
i just want to know that they simply are what they are.
and to take it
breath it
seize it
accept it
respect it
hold it
love it
give thanks for it
and again
and again
be it.
live it.
joyfully, gracefully, humorously, lovingly, kindly, with dignity, thankfully.
savor each drop.
because what if
when we go
we just get put in a box, in the ground and rot.
soul and all?
so walk tall
with your head held high
put on that fucking smile
because love
is how we all got here.
this sums it all up:

I had always heard
your entire life flashes
in front of your
the second before you die.
First of all, that
one second
isn't a second at all,
it stretches on
forever, like an ocean of time...
For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn.
I guess I could be pretty
pissed off about what happened to me...
but it's hard to stay mad,
when there's so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at
and it's too much,
my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to
And then I remember to
relax, and
stop trying to hold on to it,
and then it flows through me like rain
and I can't feel anything but
gratitude for
of my stupid little life...
You have no idea what I'm talking about,
I'm sure.
But don't worry...
you will someday.

-lester burnham, american beauty.

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